Male And British

I’m probably going to be controversial here, but hey, who gives a damn?  I am back, and I am going to be bitchy.  Just not quite how people imagine a bitchy fashion journalist to be.

I am sick of the media lying.  Notwithstanding the fact that apparently Plus Size and Curvy can be used interchangeably (note: they can’t) and that whoever is young, peppy, and has big boobs is now “curvy” (see above) I am fed up of the absolute crap mainstream fashion media sells girls and women.

This is Tulisa, taken from her official Instagram:

Before I get hate comments, read what I post very carefully.  If you look at that photo, it looks like Tulisa is probably sucking her stomach in.  At least a bit.  Now, again, don’t shoot me for saying Tulisa has a bit of a podge.  It is NOT an insult.  She is a real woman, showing a real figure.  Why shouldn’t she show it off?  The girl still looks good!  And the fact she’s willing to show off her stomach shows she’s obviously in a good place with her figure, so fair play to the girl!

Then there is Jesy Nelson.  Again, Mixers, don’t shoot me before you read what I have to say.  Yeah, I said Mixers.  I’m a fan.  So, I hated Cannonball but I am a Damien Rice fan.  DNA is awesome, and so is Change Your Life.  Jesy Nelson gets a LOT of hassle about her figure.  And she is noticeably bigger than the other girls.  BUT – it looks good on her.  She stands out from the rest of the stick thin crowd of female singers, and judging by the way she lives her life and deals with the media machine, she’s a fantastic role model.

But my issue is with media, not with these girls.  They are examples of what is wrong with the media.  You praise Adele for being a real woman, and claim she isn’t fat.  She is.  You can see she is.  That doesn’t make her the devil, it doesn’t make her a bad person, or a bad role model.  What it makes her is purely a different shape to every other cookie cutter celebrity out there.  Plus, the girl has just had a baby!  Of course she is still carrying a few pounds.  It’s what happens when you don’t have idiotic surgery and claim to have just pinged back into shape.

Adele is a big girl.  Tulisa is carrying a few pounds.  So is Jesy Nelson.  So what?  Why do we have to read “x is so toned!” or “Look at x’s incredibly toned beach body” when you can clearly see they’re not toned.  What’s wrong media?  Scared that maybe, just maybe, a girl will look at Adele, Tulisa, and Jesy and say “Hey, they look like me.  Maybe I don’t need to feel guilty about being a size 12 after all…”  Because trust me, that is a VERY scary thought to the fashion industry.

Oh, by the way media, the average British women’s size is 14.  The average celebrity size is between 6 to 8.  Big difference huh?

For those not in the UK, and unfamiliar with British TV, we have a show called The Only Way Is Essex, or TOWIE for short.  It follows the lives of some people who are famous because…well…I don’t know why, I’ve never seen the show and never want to.  But they were up for the award for best reality TV show at the UK National Television Awards.  And one of their “cast” who I believe is called Gemma (don’t quote me on that) wore this:

Now, some people are going to think this critique of her outfit is based on my hate of the show.  It isn’t.  It’s based on my hate of her clothes and her style.  If she dressed herself, I suppose it’s forgivable, but it’s one of ITV2′s highest rated shows, so I am guessing she had a stylist.  Apparently her dress was from Fearne Cotton’s collection (says a lot right there) and it looks horrible.  Sorry, but it looks like she has a cape or possibly a parachute behind her!  And I am guessing that the front is supposed to look sophisticated, but instead ends up looking like a Smurf’s toga gone horribly wrong.  But the thing is, she has a decent shape.  It’s not a supermodel’s shape, or any model’s shape, but it’s decent.  If she had worn the same shade of blue but in plain, tight fitting dress, she would have looked so much better.  Instead, it looks like someone attacked her with a bedsheet.  Lastly on the dress, if you’re going to wear something horrible, please do something about not showing your fat squidging out the sides.  It doesn’t look good.  For those unaware of what I mean, look at her armpits.  Not pretty.

Then there are the earrings.  God.  Okay, I know you’re in TV, and I know your show is based in London and is effectively a soap, but did you have to go with Pat Butcher earrings?  Sometimes less is more, it really is.  And if you have to go with long earrings, the ones Jenny Powell wore on The Health Lottery last night (I am a Big Brother addict) looked far more elegant.

Lastly, her spray tan looks hideous.  Don’t want to believe me?  Okay.  That’s fine.  But her face and her arms are different shades!  And I have no idea if she was trying to copy the Chanel models from yesterday with her eye make up, but something went badly wrong there.  Plus, if you’re representing your show, huge eyebrows do not look good, especially if you can’t even make them match!  One looks like it’s trying to get it’s own show by doing it’s own thing.

But it’s not all bad.  I actually like the ring she’s wearing.  It’s nice.  Kind of big, but I’m guilty of the same thing with my engagement ring and the other ring which is on the same finger.  And then there is a her lipstick.  I was going to slate it, but actually, the shade just about suits her.  Red would have looked amazing, and contrasted so stunningly with the blue dress.  And that is the sad thing.  A few touches and tweaks and I would have been raving about how amazing she looked.

Seriously, if you have a stylist, sack them.

Sometimes the people of this country really annoy me.  And I am going to get this first point out the way really quickly – I do not like Rosie Huntington Whiteley.  I don’t think she’s pretty, attractive, gorgeous etc.  At best, she is average.  Now, since that is out of the way – here are two of three adverts from M&S for her lingerie:

Apparently, because these adverts show a woman in a state of semi undress, it’s degrading to women and have been reported to the ASA as being as such.  The ASA, by the way, was sensible and did not ban these adverts.  Now back to the people who complained – excuse me?  I would LOVE for someone to explain to me how you advertise lingerie without a semi naked woman.  And please don’t say “You can show it on a mannequin” or “You can show the lingerie without the girl”.  Lingerie does not look good on it’s own.  Go into any clothes shop and see lingerie hanging from rails – it doesn’t look sexy.  And mannequins never look sexy, they look creepy.

We really, really need to get past the “everything is about sex!” mentality a very small but very vocal minority of the population has in the UK.  Lingerie is sexy.  That is it’s purpose.  Bras and underwear are functional, lingerie serves a very separate, distinct purpose, and that purpose is to titillate.  But hey, if the NetMums crowd and the Daily Mail crowd and the Loose Women crowd think that their sons are going to be converted into rapists and perverts by seeing a woman in her bra and pants, go ahead.

Lingerie rant over with.  Except to say, hate the first set of lingerie, love the second set of lingerie.

Oh my god!  When I saw this I absolutely fell in love with it!  Because guess what?  I am plus size and proud!.  Unfortunately, I can’t attend The British Plus Size Fashion Weekend (real life interfered, gah!) but I saw that this t-shirt was going to be for sale there.

Wow.  How inspiring is that?  I see a LOT of “Keep Calm and…” merch, because I live in a VERY touristy place (google snootiest town in England) and pretty much every shop sells something with that on it.  There is even a shop dedicated to it.  Anyway, I digress.  I love this, I love @TrappedMeCurvy for posting it, and I love British Plus Size Fashion Weekend for showing that beautiful people do not just have single digit sizes.

Ok, rant done.

I will admit to not liking Karl Lagerfeld for many reasons, most of which are personal.  However, despite that, I have to admit, I have a bit of a thing for Chanel’s designs.  I mean come on, how can you not love this?

First off, I love the leather look gloves and boots.  They are simply amazing with this outfit.  Then there is the feathering on the skirt, which looks just wow.  The head dress looks absolutely beautiful too, and the brooch in the centre is a fantastic statement.  And despite what people may think, I love the eye make up too.  It looks amazing.  Very gothic, which of course is very me!

But I also loved these.  Very similar designs to the first piece, but an extremely clever bit of marketing from Mr Lagerfeld.  Two women in what look very much like wedding dressed, with what looks to be a pageboy.  A little hint that perhaps Karl Lagerfeld endorses gay marriage?  I like this.  I mean apart from the dresses, which are stunning, along with almost everything else I saw from Chanel’s Couture collection, this statement was all over Twitter.  And it’s a good thing.

I will admit it.  I am not a huge fan of Haute Couture.  My feeling is, if you can’t wear it on the High Street or to a formal event, it’s not really my thing.  However, I’ve had a couple of nice surprises from Paris Haute Couture Fashion Week.  First up is Giambattista Valli:

I love this necklace and head dress.  And from what I can see, I love the lacy dress too.  It doesn’t look so unconventional, and it looks pretty classy.  You could go to a lot of places with this look and not look incredibly out of place.  It works for me.

Then there was Rita Ora.  I really don’t like her style at all.  It might be a controversial opinion, but I find her style kind of meh and boring.  However, this -

This looks really good.  The red leather trenchcoat makes a bold statement without being over the top.  Although I really dislike the watch (I love watches, but I don’t like ostentatious shows of wealth).  I also love the bag which matches the lipstick and jacket perfectly.  The gold on the bag should have been enough to show she’s money, without the watch.  But that’s just me.  I prefer subtle over shouting.

I’m probably going to be critisised for this opinion, but I am going to be honest – I didn’t love what Michelle Obama wore today at the 2013 presidential inauguration.  And it’s not because I hate Obama.  I don’t.  I like and respect Barack Obama.  But this is what his wife chose to wear to the Inauguration.

I have two problems with what she wore.  You see, the worst part of the dress is that it makes her look fat.  Sorry if you don’t agree with that, but look at where her hands are.  That part looks huge!  Also, what is it with celebrities and polka dots at the moment?  First Messi and now Michelle Obama.

And that brings me onto the second part.  It’s really meh.  Blue and polka dots?  Really?  It’s not stunning, it’s not even that classy.  It doesn’t make you say “Wow!  She looks amazing!” or “She looks so smart”.  It’s meh.

So no, I don’t love it.  Sorry, but it’s not my thing.  I think she should have either gone more colourful (like red) or gone far more formal.  And she should have got something that made the best of her figure, not something that made her look huge at the hips.

Two things to mention before I get started.  First, this is a very much tongue in cheek, parody post.  It is not meant to be taken seriously.  Secondly, this post is not safe for work, or for minors.  You’ve been warned!

So, Rihanna is creating a collection for River Island.  I’m gonna go right ahead and say that I don’t like celebrity collections in general.  I like Victoria Beckham’s stuff.  But generally, celebrities should stick to what they know.  Now, being a fan of Rihanna’s music, and much more of her music videos and her tabloid reported antics, I think this is the kind of thing Rihanna is going to be designing for River Island.  And this is just my opinion, not fact.

Now obviously, this would be for her evening/formalwear collection.  For when you want something classy to wear to an event, or to a high end nightclub.  Alternatively, during the day, this would look great on any millionaire’s yacht.

Next, when you want something classy and subtle for the bedroom, this would be perfect.  Demure yet lacy.  Leaving plenty to the imagination but still being sexy.  I would imagine that this would also probably be available in red and nude.

But of course, you don’t always want to be quite so subtle.  And yet you still want to remain classy in the bedroom.  Problem huh?  Not with this possible piece from the new collection!  Again, lacy, but far more revealing than the last piece, and yet somehow still maintaining that classy edge.  Perfect for Valentines Day or first dates.

Lastly in my prediction for the collection – something obvious.  For when you want to get the “I Want You!” message across loud and clear without any confusion.

Okay, now before people get angry at me, this is a parody.  I am genuinely a fan of Rihanna, and I would not be amazed if we do really see some lingerie or something revealing in her collection.  However, I really don’t think it would be something like any of the above.  I think it would be something like this

Something classy, yet revealing, and very, very sexy.  Kind of like the girl herself!  I wish her all the best with her collection, but honestly, being a celebrity collection, I’m not expecting much.

Okay, so this might be a strange thing to hear – a straight guy getting excited about shoes.  But it’s true!  And trust me, I don’t get excited about shoes lightly.  I own three pairs, a pair of work boots, a pair of sneakers and a pair of dress shoes.  Although due to the festive party season, the dress shoes died.  So I am in the market for some new ones.  And I think Paul Smith may very well have provided me with the inspiration:

Now, I will admit these are not all my cup of tea.  So I am going to single out the four pairs of shoes which I adore.

I love these.  They’re not a million miles away from the ones I destroyed during the party season.  But I love the red stripe, and I actually like that they’re brown rather than my standard, beloved black.

Oh, and speaking of black shoes!  I absolutely love theses boot style shoes.  They’re not that different from my work boots (ok, my work boots are a LOT tougher than these…) and I really like them.  The boot style, the look of it, it’s all just very me.

As with the other brown shoes, these aren’t black, which is an odd thing for me to like, because I have a BIG thing for black.  And more than that, I have a big thing for laces in shoes.  And yet, I love these shoes.  There is just something about them, something I can’t describe, but I love them.

Lastly, but not least, I love these shoes too.  I love the cream edge around the middle of these shoes.  I love the grey soles.  And I love the high shine on these shoes too.  All in all, they’re really stunning shoes.

So, which ones am I going to buy?  Well, despite loving the brown brogues I first featured, I can’t afford the £275 for them.  So I will probably plump for some cheaper, similar styled ones.  But still, thank you to Paul Smith for making beautiful shoes that inspire!

So, I guess of late I have been blogging about a lot of Dolce and Gabbana stuff.  Thing is, they’re the ones at the moment doing amazing, beautiful, incredible stuff for menswear.  I mean, look at these velvet jackets they tweeted today:

They are stunning.  I mean, each and every one of those models looks suave, sophisticated, elegant, and a cut above the rest.  Forget that they’re already handsome, they look amazing in those jackets, and yet, they’re not statement jackets.  You could even remove the scarves (which I don’t love) and they would still look absolutely amazing.  So yes, I tip my hat to you two, Dolce and Gabbana.